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2016...obviously did not post much at all this year.
One, because I've been busier
Two, I've been lazier.
But when I don't post, I always regret.
Regret not keeping track of my life and not being able to look back later
I love looking back and reflecting back at life

So much stuff happened this year, so many changes.
It really has been eventful, and everything has happened so fast that it's leaving me lost, broken, and confused at the end of the 365th day.

Somehow survived my pop lit class with all that heavy reading and somehow survived comp gov despite how uncomfortable i felt in that class all year long. Honestly don't know how I survived that class though. Also somehow finished college apps...I just remember procrastinating a lot.

Other things that happened in 2016: snowed in taiwan, gaga and a xiang left MP, kang xi lai le ended, i turned 18, also dreamed about cousin.

Last weeks of winter came ya lun, and that lasted well into spring and to the last day of school. great memories, and honestly, probably the best thing that happened to me all year. Because despite this crazy shit year, something, someone, gave me a bit of confidence.
Another thing that gave me a boost in confidence was getting accepted into colleges. USC, UW INFO..
Interesting how last year, our lives were still uncertain (jk, kinda expected it, right??)
Little did I know, this confidence would collapse immediately when college starts.

and then came the biggest thing of senior year and things went wrong. But looking back...it's no longer that big of deal. But looking back years in the future???

And then came Taiwan and having to accept the fact that my cousin really isn't with us.
and laughing, drinking, and singing it up with the cousins.
and then change in the house / family
and then came college and moving into dorm and starting a new lifestyle away from home.
I'll leave that talk for end of the year.

Let's see, college.
Made a couple new friends, still loner.
But compared to high school, now I'm a dumber loner.
A nobody. Literally.

Interesting thing is prob finding someone with my last name that's not exactly who I would imagine it to be. Yup. RL. that's just a short thing though. we'll see if there's 後續.
All other things about college is just plain stressful. Getting comfortable with people, keeping pace with classes, constant worrying about everything.
Here's to a new quarter of worrying. Already fearing for my life and grades.

Now, this break. Hung out with SN and WW on that day. The day of 2nd anniversary of cousin, yeah.
Also had our annual baking event with SL, LL, and SN. (joined by sadbois later on...)\
Also read Gone Girl that SL lend me. Haven't read for so long. But I finished today.

Honestly, 2016 has been horrible. And to condense it down to 2 main things--
it's all because of school and the change in house/family.
School work, the feeling that I'm never going to be up to par, never going to be competent, never going to earn an internship, a job, my dreams.
And then the change in house/family, this ashamed feeling I have over this whole shit.
The constant quarreling in the house, the constant hatred I feel towards the situation, the constant stress I feel, the increased feeling of loss of control, loss of territory, loss of privacy, loss of my own family.
All this because some not understanding adult decides to make a fucking change in their family, which affects ours.

We've all been so unhappy, always yelling and complaining.
And I have no where to turn, because I'm too ashamed. And then I'm too guilty of how ashamed I feel. And where do I end up turning?
Talking to random strangers online when I absolutely can't take the loneliness.

When you live in the dorms, it's better because you don't have to face it. But then there's school, and I dont know if that's that much better.

So I guess that's that. 2016. Full of fear and lost. But mostly fear. Fear of my future, fear of my health, fear of my family's health.

What do I do? What can I do?







Nothing.
But as long as my family and everyone close to me is healthy, I'll manage. Somehow.
Hopefully 2017 and being 19 years old will be better. Smoother.








[366th day of 2016: 3/10]





update: scrolling thru fb and see a post from Ashin from Mayday.

How fitting his words are...
When this video first came out, whenever it did, I cried watching the MV. the song, the words, the story. Wept for my dreams, the thing I want to become one day, but may not happen...maybe.
Now, I listen again and I feel. Not feels for my dreams, but for the future in general.

Labels: family, new years, reflection, school