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today's been a kinda moody day for me. This whole year I've had this fear of not being able to accomplish the final plans for June. But today, I feel so hopeless. This is the most hopeless I've felt yet this whole year.

The day started out with knowing that I got waitlisted for U Mich. But that's not that sad..idk i was either already kinda expecting it or because my acceptance into USC made me think of myself in a different perspective.
Anyways,

DA was super disappointing today. I know it is my fault for relying on him for helping me. I'm dumb as fuck for thinking he is the solution to my problem. I know what he's doing is good for me, cuz he's pushing me into independence. But knowing myself and where I come from, I've opened up A LOT already. I'm very 慢熟, and getting started is the most difficult for me.

For example, pretty sure it took like at least a month of sitting next to ya lun before we started joking around. and even then, it's because he started talking. which allowed me to be more comfortable, which allowed me to even like start convos with him like last block day.

anyways, i'm thankful for DA's efforts, but knowing myself and my background, it is still too big of a jump for me to start with a stranger.

What's even sadder is that all ur friends all have either a secured target, a working target, or like would be able to get targets easier than me. And then there's me. Hopeless me.
idk if my period is coming or what but i just feel moody as fuck today.
Distancing from ya lun, along with my hopeless June plans is probably the cause of this anger that's building up in me today. I really need to release my emotions but I don't know how.

I was playing the guitar earlier, and that helped and made me stop thinking about everything. But only for the duration that I was on the guitar.

I feel so alone and hopeless. I am fairly ok academically, but look at me. What else can I do? Can't even talk  to the opposite gender. Can't even socialize.
There are a few things that defines ur senior year, one is college and the other is this.
Look at me. Getting into college, but not even going to the college I truly want to go to. Getting directly admitted into a major, but not even majoring in what I really want to do in life. 

I meet the standard of this typical Asian student, but I'm not happy at all. No, I'm not.
What the fuck can I even do besides get good grades.

I wanna cry but I need something to spark the tears. Maybe I'll search up a short sad video or those sad advertisements they have and cry to let out my emotions.

Isn't it weird how life is. One week ago, I still have great moments with ya lun and I get accepted into USC. My confidence and happiness level last week was the highest since who knows when...since the beginning of senior year for sure, maybe even further than that. Now look, confidence and happiness level plunging to an all time low. Life sure knows how to balance itself out, doesn't it.

Maybe I am getting my period soon or something. Moody as fuck.
Lemme go cry now.





[91st day of 2016: 3.3/10]

Labels: reflection, school