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Cisco - nothing much
AP Comp Gov - teacher not here again. sub. didn't do much.
AP Stats - changed seats...my table is fine but...yeah.


i mean, we were at our old seats for like around 2 months. Though it felt way shorter than that, I kinda knew deep inside that we're changing seats soon. I just didn't wanna face the truth I guess. I was still unprepared. Mentally unprepared.

But I guess I need to face the truth. I guess it's a way for me to hold back myself and stop falling into this illusion. I can hear his voice from behind me..and it's just yeah.
I couldn't really concentrate.
I don't know which situation distracts me most: sitting next to him or not sitting next to him.
Sigh.

Whole day was ruined.

LL and I continued our talk with D.A. he kinda talked about ya lun's group of friends though I did not specifically tell him it's ya lun, he knows it's one of them. and idk how to process it.
I was surprised at the moment, but now that I have calmed down, I realized it's not surprising at all. These are teenage boys. Drinking, smoking, sex, talking about girls...isn't that all normal?

Of course, there are no concrete evidence that he's done all these or half of these or any of these, and I'm not gonna speculate about it on here (although I'm doing that right now, ain't I?). But, I wouldn't be surprised if he's tried before.
I guess I just didn't wanna remind myself that maybe he's not as good as what I would like/prefer him to be. And DA made a wake up call reminding me about this.

LOL, not like ya lun and me were ever possible. Just let this puny me fantasize...
And I knew all along that nothing's gonna result from this. Our conversations sometimes push me to the point where I would lie to convince myself that something might be possible. Because it just feels so real. As if we were actually close friends.
But I knew all along, didn't I? That nothing's gonna happen?
I knew but I didn't care.
Did I knew?

Whether he parties hard or doesn't party has nothing to do with me, because nothing will happen anyways. I never believed anything would happen. I just wanna be friends with him. Not bffs, no, that's not possible either. But like acquaintances. People who would say hi to each other in the hallways or something. Idk.

I guess what I wanted to say is that it doesn't matter if he does these stuff or not. Because, who doesn't?

Even if we were possible, i'd accept his unhealthy behaviors. Because I mean, it's just high school, not marriage. Let me re-word that. I'd accept his unhealthy behaviors if they're not habits. Once in a while is ok i guess...look how this society has shaped my views. sigh...

Lastly, I don't think ya lun is as extreme as how DA classifies the group he was talking about. I may just be blind, but at this point in his life, I don't think he's as hard core as DA thinks he is.

Also, he's a nice guy, and that has nothing to do with whether he's a party boy or not. Maybe he's nice so he could get girls, so he could play around with girls. Whatever DA's claim on dem boys is idk. He's nice and that's all I need to know from my personal experiences.

I'm not entering into his life, so whether he's truly nice or if he's not so nice, or if he's use to being nice in order to get [other] girls--again, has nothing to do with me.


Less than 3 months left. I've already gotten myself into this, and I'm not gonna force myself to get back out. That can happen naturally as time passes by. In the meantime, let me continue my fantasies. Let me continue my ogling. Let me continue this pleasant torture on myself. Let this remain a state between being purely attracted by his appearance to liking him.

But I know, from this day on. From this day on, my feelings will start to deteriorate. I will start moving back towards the "pure attraction" side of the spectrum. I imagine this to be the left of the spectrum.

Anyways,
Thank you for two months of happiness and two months of blissfulness.

Also, I was looking at 2 posts prior to this when I said that I needed the girl to maintain a lighthearted and fun convo in the table group. I just wanna take that statement back. Because last block day was an awesome convo. Without her.

I can hold a conversation. I can become familiar. I can be comfortable.
I can torture myself. I can withdraw myself. I can let all this be memories.



Give me time. Give me until graduation.






[88th day of 2016: 4/10]

Labels: reflection, school