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Cisco- nothing much
AP Comp Gov-nothing much.


today's been a kinda moody day for me. This whole year I've had this fear of not being able to accomplish the final plans for June. But today, I feel so hopeless. This is the most hopeless I've felt yet this whole year.

The day started out with knowing that I got waitlisted for U Mich. But that's not that sad..idk i was either already kinda expecting it or because my acceptance into USC made me think of myself in a different perspective.
Anyways,

DA was super disappointing today. I know it is my fault for relying on him for helping me. I'm dumb as fuck for thinking he is the solution to my problem. I know what he's doing is good for me, cuz he's pushing me into independence. But knowing myself and where I come from, I've opened up A LOT already. I'm very 慢熟, and getting started is the most difficult for me.

For example, pretty sure it took like at least a month of sitting next to ya lun before we started joking around. and even then, it's because he started talking. which allowed me to be more comfortable, which allowed me to even like start convos with him like last block day.

anyways, i'm thankful for DA's efforts, but knowing myself and my background, it is still too big of a jump for me to start with a stranger.

What's even sadder is that all ur friends all have either a secured target, a working target, or like would be able to get targets easier than me. And then there's me. Hopeless me.
idk if my period is coming or what but i just feel moody as fuck today.
Distancing from ya lun, along with my hopeless June plans is probably the cause of this anger that's building up in me today. I really need to release my emotions but I don't know how.

I was playing the guitar earlier, and that helped and made me stop thinking about everything. But only for the duration that I was on the guitar.

I feel so alone and hopeless. I am fairly ok academically, but look at me. What else can I do? Can't even talk  to the opposite gender. Can't even socialize.
There are a few things that defines ur senior year, one is college and the other is this.
Look at me. Getting into college, but not even going to the college I truly want to go to. Getting directly admitted into a major, but not even majoring in what I really want to do in life. 

I meet the standard of this typical Asian student, but I'm not happy at all. No, I'm not.
What the fuck can I even do besides get good grades.

I wanna cry but I need something to spark the tears. Maybe I'll search up a short sad video or those sad advertisements they have and cry to let out my emotions.

Isn't it weird how life is. One week ago, I still have great moments with ya lun and I get accepted into USC. My confidence and happiness level last week was the highest since who knows when...since the beginning of senior year for sure, maybe even further than that. Now look, confidence and happiness level plunging to an all time low. Life sure knows how to balance itself out, doesn't it.

Maybe I am getting my period soon or something. Moody as fuck.
Lemme go cry now.





[91st day of 2016: 3.3/10]

Labels: reflection, school

Cisco - nothing much
AP Comp Gov - teacher not here again. sub. didn't do much.
AP Stats - changed seats...my table is fine but...yeah.


i mean, we were at our old seats for like around 2 months. Though it felt way shorter than that, I kinda knew deep inside that we're changing seats soon. I just didn't wanna face the truth I guess. I was still unprepared. Mentally unprepared.

But I guess I need to face the truth. I guess it's a way for me to hold back myself and stop falling into this illusion. I can hear his voice from behind me..and it's just yeah.
I couldn't really concentrate.
I don't know which situation distracts me most: sitting next to him or not sitting next to him.
Sigh.

Whole day was ruined.

LL and I continued our talk with D.A. he kinda talked about ya lun's group of friends though I did not specifically tell him it's ya lun, he knows it's one of them. and idk how to process it.
I was surprised at the moment, but now that I have calmed down, I realized it's not surprising at all. These are teenage boys. Drinking, smoking, sex, talking about girls...isn't that all normal?

Of course, there are no concrete evidence that he's done all these or half of these or any of these, and I'm not gonna speculate about it on here (although I'm doing that right now, ain't I?). But, I wouldn't be surprised if he's tried before.
I guess I just didn't wanna remind myself that maybe he's not as good as what I would like/prefer him to be. And DA made a wake up call reminding me about this.

LOL, not like ya lun and me were ever possible. Just let this puny me fantasize...
And I knew all along that nothing's gonna result from this. Our conversations sometimes push me to the point where I would lie to convince myself that something might be possible. Because it just feels so real. As if we were actually close friends.
But I knew all along, didn't I? That nothing's gonna happen?
I knew but I didn't care.
Did I knew?

Whether he parties hard or doesn't party has nothing to do with me, because nothing will happen anyways. I never believed anything would happen. I just wanna be friends with him. Not bffs, no, that's not possible either. But like acquaintances. People who would say hi to each other in the hallways or something. Idk.

I guess what I wanted to say is that it doesn't matter if he does these stuff or not. Because, who doesn't?

Even if we were possible, i'd accept his unhealthy behaviors. Because I mean, it's just high school, not marriage. Let me re-word that. I'd accept his unhealthy behaviors if they're not habits. Once in a while is ok i guess...look how this society has shaped my views. sigh...

Lastly, I don't think ya lun is as extreme as how DA classifies the group he was talking about. I may just be blind, but at this point in his life, I don't think he's as hard core as DA thinks he is.

Also, he's a nice guy, and that has nothing to do with whether he's a party boy or not. Maybe he's nice so he could get girls, so he could play around with girls. Whatever DA's claim on dem boys is idk. He's nice and that's all I need to know from my personal experiences.

I'm not entering into his life, so whether he's truly nice or if he's not so nice, or if he's use to being nice in order to get [other] girls--again, has nothing to do with me.


Less than 3 months left. I've already gotten myself into this, and I'm not gonna force myself to get back out. That can happen naturally as time passes by. In the meantime, let me continue my fantasies. Let me continue my ogling. Let me continue this pleasant torture on myself. Let this remain a state between being purely attracted by his appearance to liking him.

But I know, from this day on. From this day on, my feelings will start to deteriorate. I will start moving back towards the "pure attraction" side of the spectrum. I imagine this to be the left of the spectrum.

Anyways,
Thank you for two months of happiness and two months of blissfulness.

Also, I was looking at 2 posts prior to this when I said that I needed the girl to maintain a lighthearted and fun convo in the table group. I just wanna take that statement back. Because last block day was an awesome convo. Without her.

I can hold a conversation. I can become familiar. I can be comfortable.
I can torture myself. I can withdraw myself. I can let all this be memories.



Give me time. Give me until graduation.






[88th day of 2016: 4/10]

Labels: reflection, school

Found out about UW acceptance on last Tuesday, on 3/15. First found out online, then the actual mail came in the next day. I was actually really excited about it, but at the same time really disappointed that I did not get direct admissions into the Informatics School.
The rest of the day that Tuesday was really difficult. Couldn't concentrate on homework or anything. And...really, I was more disappointed than happy. My heart kinda sank.

Bro was here when this happened, cuz he was on spring break last week. Oh also, aunt came to stay with us for a couple days. She came on Wed and returned Monday.
While she was here, I had to stay at the room downstairs, which was alright. The room downstairs is cozier.


update on my beloved ya lun...
block day was really nice. we had a really nice and long conversation about 貓咪的遊戲 while taking a test. however, on friday, 我們卻沒有講很多...我們之間的距離好像忽遠又忽進. I don't understand how we talked so much on block and then Friday is like strangers again.

This whole week my mind has been on U Mich and USC admission decisions. I visited College Confidential after MW mentioned it. Everyone on there expected U Mich to send their emails yesterday, which was Friday. Unfortunately, they did not send anything. That sent everyone on CC into frenzy.



On the other hand, USC Admissions posted on their IG page like 5 videos when they sent out their admission packages Wed. afternoon. People on CC went crazily nervous and excited.
I wanted to see U Mich more than USC, partly because I didn't really think I would get into USC.

On Thu, people in cali got their packages, and I knew that if nothing came on Friday, it would mean I'm rejected. L.Z. said on Thu that she had a dream that I was holding the box they sent out, meaning I got accepted.

Anyways, so Friday comes and during lunch, MQ talked about how this guy got accepted. And that made me a bit excited to find out about myself...but I wasn't nervous though. not really. because deep down, I didn't think I'd get accepted. I planned to go home after spending 5th period in Cisco with LL, but stuff happened and we started talking to D.A. about our June plans...if u know what i mean.



and he told us a lot about his story. which was so interesting that I did forget about USC until around end of 6th period.

Walking home, I think I walked kinda slow. And once I got to entrance of my neighborhood, I was a little nervous. I told myself not to be disappointed if I didn't see anything though. I told myself, look, you have UW. Don't get your hopes up and you won't be as disappointed.

I mean, it's impossible not to be disappointed if you see nothing in your mailbox..but I think like talking to yourself at least lowers the disappointment level.

I walked up to our mailbox and put my hand on the handle. I opened the mailbox.
And I saw.
Saw nothing.
Several regular sized white envelopes but no box whatsoever.



My heart sank. Cuz like i said, it's impossible not to be disappointed. At that point, I told myself ok, im rejected. I wasn't in a depressed state though.

Then I walked home. Opened the door. and then. i saw.
on the table.
there was this.
this yellow box.
and i froze.
no one was at home at that time, but someone had brought it in. (the box was prob too big to fit in our mailbox).



And I felt so surprised. Because I really had thought that I didn't get any box.
I immediately recognized the yellow and knew that I am a Spring Admit. (people on CC talked a lot about yellow vs white boxes, with white being fall admits).

I was just so surprised and in my head i said ohmygod to myself. i went to my room and set my stuff down, then went back to the table and stood there for like a good 10 min snapping my friends and telling them about it on fb.
that was around 2pm.
i didn't open the box until 3 or 4 though, because I took pics of it. but my camera was low on battery so i had to charge it a bit.

my hand sweated when i opened the box. but i felt so proud of myself. Last time I felt proud of myself was when I got selected as team leader for APUSH last year.
in the box was a nice crimson folder thing. in it was a letter congratulating me, a piece of paper behind it was about getting admitted to Marshall School of Bus. and major being Bachelor of Science in Business Admin. Then there was 2 pamphlets/booklets about being a Spring Admit and Housing stuff.
Then on the right side of folder, theres a Certificate of Admission.
Everything was so fancy.
And I felt sooo proud of myself at that point. The time that I got applied up until now, I did not put my mind to this. Not really. It was just a desire. A want. But I didn't think they'd actually take me. My stats isn't attractive as some of the others on CC.



A white box would've been better but I am so content about even getting admitted. Fall or Spring, I got admitted. I know I've said this 10x, but I really am so proud and surprised.

At the same time, I also feel like I don't deserve this. Even tho I'm accepted, I don't really think Im going. It's too expensive for my family. The school itself is too smart for me. I know for a fact that I'm not up to par with the rest of the people that got accepted. I was simply a lucky applicant.

There are people with better stats that are devastated about being rejected to their dream school. And here I am. Most likely not attending, but taking up a position.

The reason why I applied to USC in the first place was because I wanted to see if I would be able to get accepted. Now that I am, I am so thankful of USC for giving this 肯定, for making me realize that perhaps I had a bit more potential than I originally thought. It truly is a honor.
Even if I'm not going here, I feel like all the hard work I did these past years made this moment possible. Thank you USC, for making me know approximately where my boundaries/極限 are. For letting me know that I am capable of more than I thought.

Also, this wouldn't have been possible without that dream I had. The dream that made me re take ACT again. Thank you. :')



On a side note, I think attending USC would actually make me closer to my dreams. They have a really nice _____ program, and although I can't outright major in this, because 1. I did not select this major and I'm already accepted into Bus Admin. and 2. My parents and everyone would be like wtf are u majoring in this.

But still, within Business Admin theres this thing. Gets me a little closer to my dreams. The location of the school itself gets me closer to my dreams.

I feel like this might even be a hint for me to chase my dreams. That my dreams are possible. Maybe. And that not getting directly admitted into Informatics may be a sign telling me that's not what you actually want to do with your life..



I'm thinking too much.

Back to reality.

UW, majoring in Informatics.

ohh, happy birthday my lovely JJ Lin <3




Lastly,  thank you USC.






[yesterday: 85th day of 2016: 9/10
 today: 86th day of 2016: 7.5/10]

Labels: college, JJ Lin, reflection, school

It's 12am now but I really need to post so I won't forget these memories later on in life.
It's been a pretty eventful week..or maybe 2 weeks, i don't remember when it started, because fun stuff always fly by.

Anyways, I'm having a lot of fun in my 第四節課. I'm surprised myself by how much I interact with my table group. In other's eyes, this may not be a big deal. But to me, it is. Because well one, it takes me a long time to get familiar with someone...And here I am, in a table group with no one I know in it. But these people are so friendly and easy-going and easy to interact with. Actually, one of the person wasn't here today, and I realized how much I needed her to ensure a smooth, quality conversation with the rest of the table. It was quieter without her today...

I have been reporting back a lot of details to 2 of my closest friends. I know I have been talking about him A LOTTT lately, and I'm so glad there are people that listen to me..I mean, that's what friends are for right? TO LISTEN TO YOU TALK AND PROVIDE FEEDBACK.

Anyways, a lot has happened this past 2ish(?) weeks and ofc, I aint gonna list out stuff here. There is just too many. But because I've been telling 1 of my friend online, I will go back to our FB chat and compile a document (for myself only) late on when I am less busy.

The thing I wanted to comment on is my feelings though. This week especially, I've been thinking about him  ALOT. Too much, I'll admit. Especially these last few days..I seem to constantly think about him..our interactions and such. It makes me feel so 幸福 that our table is comfortable enough to like tease each other, compliment, laugh, etc...
I have not felt so happy in this kind of way for so long.
The kind of innocent happiness when a person is constantly in your mind.
This is def gonna be one of the memories I'll remember when I look back on high school.

I don't expect anything to happen with him. It's not possible, and I shouldn't waste time on things that I have no chance on. However, I will not stop loving all our interactions and I will not stop trying to get closer to him.

On the other hand, I really need to work on my ultimate, final plan that's happening in June..Oh gosh..it's gonna come so soon...Please....Please...Please..

Another thing, UW gonna mail their decisions soon..Like around 3/15 - 3/30. I'm more anxious about USC and UM. Nevertheless, there's always that doubt about UW too...

Let's see..BC winter quarter ending soon. I can't wait. Too much work in Lit. Too much reading and too many discussions (online responses). Working on the 2nd and final essay now, which is due Monday. I'm only on the 2nd paragraph. Oh gosh..

Cisco is also another thing on the agenda. 3rd quarter finals coming up soon...I can't...not prepared at all...


I just hope the rest of senior year will go smoothly, both academically and socially, oh and of course, healthily. Good night. Now...allow my brain to overflow with thoughts about him again...





[65th day of 2015: 6.6/10]

Labels: reflection, school