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• Birthday Gathering @ Maggianos
• Dramas: Coffee Cat Mama, Queen Divas, Outbound Love
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Eiffel Tower

Labels: new years, reflection

Haven't updated for a veryyy long time. And it's finally winter break now! A lott has happened. Like getting to know Cody more, starting a new club, the stuff with uncle...ya.
I'll talk briefly about the club. So after the cancer unit in bio, S.N suggested that we start a cancer awareness club (surprised there isn't already one in newport). So i'm like ok sure. And we got approved! S.N and I are co-president, W.W. vice-president, S.L secretary, R.N treasurer, and L.L the club facilitator. We will be having our 1st meeting after winter break. Hopefully our club turns out to be a success!



The other thing that I really wanna write about is my cousin. My 30-ish(?) year old cousin was diagnosed with cancer around June(? maybe earlier) of this year. Well, there were already some problems that rised earlier than that, but this was kinda like the last straw. I remember in the summer, when I traveled back to Taiwan by myself (mom and dad had already visited, bro had other stuff), and it was so hard to face him, to look at him. He had changed soo much. He was extremely skinny and weak. He spoke very little, and yeahh. It was scary and really uncomfortable for me to see him like that.


I remember when I first learned that he got cancer. I was...first very surprised and shocked. And then I was very angry. Like wtff whyyy. I know the number of people that will get diagnosed with cancer is pretty high, but...really...I fucking got cancer already in 2008. And now...thiss..are you fucking with me right now. Why me...why my family? Because one person with a diagnosis ain't enuff for a family...If you wanna do this, why didn't you just take my fucking life back in 2008. I rather have my family suffer thru the pain once than twice. You are so cruel.


My cousin and I are like 20ish(?) years apart. So he really watched me grow up from a baby. Our whole extended family lived pretty much together in Taiwan, so we were all really close as a family. He ain't really a cousin, more like an older brother.

Taiwan this past summer:  he still lived in the house instead of the hospital. and he'd go to the hospital periodically, like once every week or 2? depends. My oldest cousin, (his older sister), would make these homemade smoothies everyday for him. They were veggie smoothies made 100% from organic veggies and nuts. The whole family was extremely caring towards him. My uncle (his dad) worked less and less and i think eventually stopped working. My aunt (his mom) owns a salon, and gets off work very on time, at 8:00pm. My oldest cousin (his older sis) has these 2 young kids. I think they're the source of distraction. Distracting the family from getting too sad. Young kids or pets can be great for this kind of situation I think. They force you to not think so much and not overthink about the patient.



I remember literally praying once (sometimes twice or 3 times) a day for my cousin when I was in Taiwan this past summer. We have this shrine thing and when no one's around, I'd pray in front of the Gods, hoping he'd recover soon. Sometimes, when no one's around the house, I'd secretly enter his room and pray in his room. Also hoping that since I recovered from cancer, he would too.
Coming back to the U.S. after Taiwan...I was really scared that I'd never see my cousin again, cuz I had a sense of how bad the cancer was...

After school started, I had less time to think and worry about my cousin. I didn't pray everyday like I did in Taiwan.

A month or 2 ago my mom's friend's husband got diagnosed with cancer. I was really surprised. Another person got diagnosed.They said he'd only have a few months to live. I thought about my cousin.



Once, my mom called my aunt (cousin's mom) to ask about my cousin's condition. They said he spend [most of?] his time on the bed. When I was still in Taiwan, he was still able to walk around. I remember that he got up early in the mornings and he'd take walks outside. No more of that. He had gotten weaker. When I was still in Taiwan, he'd also sometimes complain about difficulties falling asleep.

A week or 2 ago at dinner, my mom told my dad and I that she might not be home in the evening tomorrow, either that or later on that night. And I asked why. And she said that her friend's husband is gonna pass away anytime soon. I embraced myself. It was only a few months ago that he was diagnosed...time passed by so fast...
I was sleeping that night when I heard the phone ring in the middle of the night. I didn't wake up but I heard the phone. Immediately, I sensed that my mom's friend's husband had passed away...
When I woke up in the morning, my mom's car was already gone.



My mom confirmed that night that her friend's husband did pass away. I didn't really know the husband. But I knew my mom's friend, and I've seen their twins (college students at UW). It was finals week at UW...I wondered how the twins had the strength to go thru studying and finals with their dad's health condition. They were male, and society says that males don't cry, males ain't weak. But I'm sure that they cried..Who wouldn't if their dad died? I felt pity for the whole family.

A couple days later, my mom attended the 告別式 and she told me that one of the twin gave her a hug...that really breaks my heart...
And then I thought about my cousin...when's the last time we hugged..?

2 days ago, Thursday December 18, my mom returned from work around 7pm ish. She came into my room and said that she had some bad news for me. My heart sunk. She didn't need to finish her words. I already knew what she was gonna say next. But I still hoped deep in my heart that she wouldn't say what I was thinking about.



"What?" I asked. I noticed that her eyes were kind of red.

"I think you know (can predict)"

I wanted her to say something different...I want her to say some other bad news not related to my cousin back in Taiwan.

"Your cousin passed away," she said.

I avoided eye contact with her. My heart beated faster.

"When?" I asked calmly.

"Around midnight Taiwan time. 9am our time"
*Time difference between here and Taiwan. So he passed away midnight Friday, December 19th*

She went on telling me how my 3rd cousin (his younger sister) was there in the hospital with him. And then my 3rd cousin saw that his blood pressure(?) kept dropping, so she called 4th cousin (his younger brother) and my 4th cousin rushed to the hospital. And just like that...my cousin passed away in front of their eyes...

I wonder if my cousins hugged and cried a lot. I've never seen them cry in front of me...never really seen them hug or anything either.

And then my mom left my room. I wanted to cry so bad. But I didn't wanna cry in front of my family. I went to the bathroom and a few tears dropped but I fought them back. I didn't eat dinner yet. I can't go to dinner with red eyes and nose. I hurriedly ate dinner and then came back to my room.

I was butt hurt, but I didn't cry. My brain hadn't accept and process the fact yet. I was pretty mad though. He's only 30ish something. No family of his own yet. He still had some +50 years in front of him. What are his siblings gonna do..what is my aunt and uncle (his parents) gonna do?


The next day, on Friday, during lunch, friends were busy playing their games and talking among themselves. For a moment, I zoned out and was eating my fries and just staring into the distance. I thought about my cousin again. Had he really...? Although all the noise and excitement at lunch surrounded me, I felt so alone...

Friday evening, after school, I went to S.N's house with L.L, S.L and K.L. We were baking for the bake sale today (Sat.). It was really fun and I got really superrrrr crazy and loud and all that. A lot of funny stuff happened and it was just really fun.

After I got home, I settled and calmed down. It was quiet compared to how loud we were (mostly me) at S.N's house. And then I thought about my cousin again. Being with my friends and acting crazy was a huge distraction for me. Honestly, I didn't think about cousin once. And it felt good. It felt good not to think about it, not to remember that something tragic had happened. All the laughing helped a lot. This morning, I went to the bake sale with friends. And it was pretty funny too. Again, I didn't once think about my cousin. The distraction was good.




When I returned from the bake sale, I climbed into bed and slept for around an hour. I didn't really wanna think about my cousin, and when people sleep, they don't need to think. I left the light on tho. I like it bright. It feels less lonely.
I didn't get out of bed after I woke up. I lied there. I could hear my mom talking on the phone downstairs (my door wasn't closed). She was talking in Taiwanese. She was talking to my aunt (cousin's mom). I couldn't make out exactly what they said. I just lied there on the bed and thought about my memories with the cousin.



I remember once when I went back to Taiwan for a visit and my 3rd cousin was giving me these cute cards and I was picking some of them out. But I couldn't pick which ones cuz they were all so cute. He walked by and told me that I need to be more assertive and show/speak my opinions.

I remember 4 years ago I was watching a drama in Taiwan, and he asked if I knew what one of the actor's name was. And I said no. And then he told me that they had the same name. Exact same chinese characters. And i was like whoaaaa.




I remember back in the days late at night, when everyone was pretty much asleep or getting ready to sleep, he'd sometimes be still in the living room, playing a video game on the computer.

I remember that he and my 4th cousin drinks milk every morning. (It's milk orders where milk man comes and drops by bottles of milk every morning.) There's 2 bottles, one for cousin, and other for 4th cousin. Cousin drinks the white colored milk and 4th cousin drinks the yellowish colored milk. Sometimes, one of them would leave the milk for me for breakfast. What about now..? who would drink the white colored milk now?

I remember that he gave me a Tweety Bird (cartoon) stuffed animal. It's pretty big, It came in a clear plastic bag, and it's still in the bag cuz I don't wanna get it dirty.



I remember that my brother was into BB guns for a period of time, and cousin had these BB guns and BB bullets. and he gave my brother a bottle of BB bullets. He also gave my brother this soldier figure and it carried a gun. It's like barbie doll, but for guys. It's still there in our living room.

It's still there, it's still there. Everything's still there.

Except for him.

He likes watching 武俠 dramas. And I'd watch it with him too. When I went back to Taiwan this past summer, the whole family watched the 武俠 drama with him every night. It airs at 8pm. The drama finished airing before I returned here from Taiwan, so we were able to finish the drama as a family. I still listen to the songs from the drama..and then I'd think of him.

He also watches a lot of American movies from the HBO channel. All the movies are in English (no dubbed voice), so actually, I think his English is fairly well, although I don't hear him speak it often.

I remember when I was little, still living in Taiwan, he always stacked his hand together and use the hand on top to hit my head. That was our thing.



He bought these 2 stuffed animals for my niece and nephew (his sister's kids). One was a winnie the pooh and the other is Sulley Sullivan from Monsters, Inc and Monsters University. They were medium-large sized, really huggable and really cute. I hope that my niece and nephew would treasure that.



I remember that he used to sleep with a giant pencil stuffed thing for as long as I could remember. (I didn't see it this past summer in taiwan..wonder where they put it..), and I remember that he has a small-medium sized Kenny McCormick (South Park) stuffed doll and if you press on it, it swears.



I remember that he likes plane models and these robot model thingies. He showed my niece, nephew, and I one of his robot thingies this past summer.

I was looking at the photo albums in Taiwan this past summer. And I saw my 4 cousins back in the days when they were still young and in their teenage years. They were so adorb. And it saddened me seeing how happy they looked in the photos..and it saddens me now knowing that it's never gonna happen again.

I remember that back in the days, he'd sometimes buy home midnight snack. Like asian popcorn chicken (鹽酥雞) and the cousins and I would just watch TV and eat them.



I thought about all these memories while still lying on the bed and my tears just poured out of me. My first outburst after he passed away.

Typing up this post would be my 2nd outburst. Literally crying this whole time while typing.

I wanna remember everything I can about him, I wanna record down everything. I don't want to forget him, I don't want to forget the times we've spent together.

I don't know if I believe in God (who did I pray to..?), in after life, in a person's soul and spirit, but I wonder if there really is such thing as souls and spirits, I wonder if he's here. I wonder if he can see my tears. I wonder if he's watching over me right now...

I don't remember the last time I hugged him...or if I ever did at all. Pretty sure he's hold me when I was little. Like when I was a baby and toddler. But in my memories, I don't remember hugging him. My mom asked me at dinner 2 hours ago if I hugged him before I left Taiwan this past summer. I said no. I hate how asians don't really hug people, because if we did, I'd definitely hug him.


I'm gonna stop here now..maybe I'll add in more stuff later. I think this is enuff tears for one day.

I don't really share my personal family stuff and emotions with my friends...
I would like to...for them to comfort me so I don't feel so alone. But i don't know...
I did mention this to M.T. before. L.Z. knows more about it though. And I'm so blessed to have her listen to my rants and listen to my worries about my cousin. It feels good that someone's there listening to you, responding to you, etc. cuz I don't really tell my parents or brother my deep emotional stuff either.

I really do wish that I can just cry with someone tho, I wish that someone would be here telling me that everything's gonna be okay. I wish someone would comfort me more. But at the end of the day...it's still just me.



Life can be so cruel... a person so close to you can just disappear from your life so suddenly. One second someone can be perfectly fine, and the next, the person may have this huge illness. 我們始終都逗不過天.

But if I had a choice...I'd rather choose to lose my battle with cancer and die in 2008. If I could use my life in exchange for my cousin's, I would. Not because I'd die for anyone or whatever. I'm not that 偉大. But, like I mentioned earlier in this post, I'd rather have my family suffer thru this cancer shit once than twice. If my death from cancer meant that no one else in my family would get cancer, then I will accept it. I know how my family suffered thru my diagnosis, and this time, I see them suffer thru my cousin's diagnosis again. If I had died 5 years earlier, and my cousin never got diagnosed...well, the whole family would only need to suffer thru this once.



If I had a choice...I wish that the world really did end back in 2012. There's this really good quote that I remember from a drama (他們在畢業的前一天爆炸) I watched some years ago.
"要死大家一起死, 至少這樣就不會有誰留下來, 為誰難過的事情了."
Rough translation: If we're gonna die, let everyone die together. Then, at least, there won't be a problem of who's sad because who died.

If the world really did end in 2012 and everyone died together, then no one would need to be sad over their loved one's death. 

There's also this other quote that I remember from another drama from Karma Rider (師父. 明白了)
"人生八苦  分離最苦."

But I don't have a choice. And I can't change what has already happened. I'm fortunate to be able to beat the battle against cancer. This is literally a "new" life for me after cancer. I'm not gonna get knocked down because of this. I will show you that I'm stronger than this.


I hope that everyone, everyone I love, everyone that loves me, and EVERYONE is healthy.


I don't think the tears won't stop anytime soon. Sorry for torturing you, my poor eyes. Please don't get too puffy and all that.

Rest in peace, my dear cousin. I hope you the best whatever may happen to you next. And I hope that our family will recover from this and grow to have a stronger family bond. I hope that my aunt and uncle will watch out for their health conditions and not be too overly butt hurt over this, because being sad is bad for you. I hope that my niece and nephew (uncle and aunt's grandson and granddaughter) will be able to cheer the whole family up with their cuteness and innocence.





I love you.






[354th day of 2014: 2/10]





7/30/15 update.

Been meaning to add a piece of this but keep being lazy/forgetting. But I really don't wanna forget anything so here I am typing it up.

There's a couple wild cats roaming around at 一樓. I remember this one time i visited, and a couple of nights, i remember him playing with the cats with a string/yarn. We were sitting at the chairs in the front porch. The string/yarn was like shoelace material but it was thicker than shoelace and it was dark red/maroon colored. cats love playing with those stuff, so anyways, he'd use the string as bait and hold it above the cat and they would jump up at the string and try to bite it but then he would kinda tug it up in the air gently so the cat(s) wouldn't get the string. and i remember that bro and I both had a turn at it.

Already 7/30. Last year, still in Taiwan. Still saw you. Still in our lives. A year really passes by so damn fast. It still feels weird to say words like "died" "dead" "passed away" regarding you. It's just so hard to imagine you not here with us. I really wonder what it's like in Taiwan without you. And I really kinda don't wanna face how it would feel like when I go back next year. I can't fathom the idea of not being able to see you around in taiwan...
Here in the US, i don't get to see any of my extended family members, so as long as I'm still here, I can still pretend, I can still think, believe, that you're still there. In taiwan, and that I'll be able to see you when I go back. But in taiwan, everything's gonna be so realistic. You're one of the first people I would see if I go back to visit..but not anymore....



I love you. 

Labels: cancer, family, life, reflection